It has been awhile and I am sure you can see by the time I am not sleeping. So many things have happened in the past couple of months.
The first, and most apparent in my mind, is my health. I have lost the ability to walk. My knees and thighs are consistently swollen and applying pressure sends shooting pains through my legs. Enough pain to make me fall. My wrists are swollen. My skin is consistently on fire...a single touch can send shockwaves through my legs. I have been immobile for the last week and a half (if I try to walk by mid-day my calves and ankles are also swollen) and doctors have run every test. CBC normal, electrolytes normal, urinalysis normal, potassium normal. I have one last hope...we did a MRI on my right knee (I am not expecting much from this considering the swelling is in both of my knees and thighs) and a bone scan. The bone scan could show osteoperosis in my knees, ankles, and wrists which could explain the swelling...give me medicine swelling subsides...I go back to a normal life. I am on 40mg of Prednisone for my lung condition. Prednisone has awful side effects which all of these could be associated with. The problem is you can't just stop taking Prednisone. I will have to go on short term disability (can't drive, can't walk, oh yeah I am on oxycodone for the pain) and increase my chances of someone replacing me more than ever. I have FMLA filed but I am 24 and it just looks bad. The thing is all of these symptoms started with the prednisone. I need to get off the prednisone...but this double edge sword is just a difficult decision. Do I try to stay on a low dose to slow progression on my lungs, or do I get off completely and hope my lungs survive? And to add to all of this I have discovered that my shortness of breath is not from my lungs but from a high heart rate. I only got up to change clothes and realized I was having heart palpitations so I got my oximeter to check...135. My O2 levels were at 87%. I am calling my pulmonologist in the morning to discuss this with her. Praying that I get my results in the morning. I can't handle sitting here without a plan. I need a plan of action. I have a wedding to attend in a month and I don't want to miss it. This past week was my birthday. I tried to "celebrate" it with little success. I don't like to self-pity but this is ridiculous. If the results prove nothing, I will have to ween off the Prednisone as quickly/slowly as possible. This could be a couple of weeks. I then will have to file short term disability until I am able to function again.

Second, I have realized that James cannot hurt me anymore. What happened to me is in the past and for me to move forward in my life, my relationship with my husband, and my relationships with my family I needed to forgive him. Harboring this hate and anger could only make me more stressed on so many different levels. So I have forgiven him for what he did to me. Will i ever let him know this? or my family? I am not sure. This was mostly between me and God as it should be. how does it feel to say this? Amazing. Relief. Hopeful. If I can forgive him, then I can do so much more in my life. Oh yeah, stopped going to therapy. I honestly couldn't afford it anymore...not with my health going downhill.

I am exhausted and need to wake up tomorrow morning and catch up on work. Thanks for listening.

Jess

So ok...i am done being dramatic. I got my results and yeah they are bad. My T Score for my spine is -1.8 and my Z Score is a -1.7....My T Score for my L Hip is -1.7 and Z Score is -1.7...ok. Ok this sucks...Im 23 and have pretty low density bones for my age. But all I can do anyways is take calcium and Vitamin D and exercise. What I honestly should have been doing anyways. I have to find Citracal...and get my prescription dose Vitamin D filled...and check with my insurance about the IV Reclast. The pain is something I have dealt with before and I already have pain meds so nothing new there. Now I can just put a name to the pain...osteopenia. At least its a diagnosis...better than this lung crap. I guess I will have another scan done in about 6 months to make sure these steroids aren't doing too much damage.

As for the hope...I have some now. My motivation is lacking because my back hurts so much but that is what pain pills are for right?

FYI: Start taking calcium for everybody that doesn't...it doesn't hurt.

So this week therapy was a real eye opener for me.

First and foremost we talked about my disease. The book I am reading, Quantum Healing, is hard for me to believe what he is saying and how we can heal ourselves. She then asked why it is so hard to believe? And then I told her about how my stats continue to drop year after year and how I know I am getting progressively worse. And then she asked me about my life and if anything has changed since this really started getting worse. Of course I started to think about it and the only thing I can't do is run flat out. I am 23, and with how my lungs are I should be on O2 24/7 but I am not. I am able to live my life even though I have this unimaginable disease infesting my lungs...but I am okay. I am not dying today from this disease. I have a higher risk dying in a car accident then dying from this disease today. THIS should be my proof or my "stats" as she called them. This was so huge to me!! All of this time I have been looking at these numbers and thinking this is how they should be applying to me but they aren't!! It just feels so good to know and BELIEVE that I will be ok.

Second we talked about my mom. She asked me this question "What do you and your mom have in common? What things do you like?" This really bugged me because in all reality the only thing I feel like we have a connection on is my health but her attitude is always negative..."Move to Houston...you are too sick...you don;t have many options" Since this is the point of view I am trying to change within myself I don't think we have anything else in common. We have different views on everything....music, religion, politics, animals, clothes...everything. So she asked why I am still trying to have a relationship with her if she continues to only bring me down? I have just never thought about not trying to have a relationship with her because she is my Mom. But honestly why pursue something that will never change? She then suggested that I start building a stronger relationship with my Dad. And I just actually realized today that the only reason why I haven't had a better relationship with my Dad is because I was scared of what my mother would do. Crazy huh? I am so excited about building a stronger relationship with my Dad. I miss him sooo much.

Well I don't have much planned this weekend. Brandon is at home resting with muscle relaxers...he screwed up his back and is acting like a sick baby as usual...I love him though. Dog Walking was cancelled tonight but tomorrow is a go...Get this...its like 55 degrees outside right now and it is supposed to snow tomorrow. Crazy!!! It will be fun walking the dogs in the snow though. And then after that we are doing puppy pictures!! So much fun! And I plan on playing the Wii this weekend...Brandon discovered that you can buy the original Mario games through the Wii...I am super excited about playing that tonight. I also want to read more of the Quantum Healing book. I am also going to look more into Yoga and meditation. I BELIEVE that the stats the doctors will see WILL improve. **sigh** it feels good saying that.

Well ttyl! Peace!!

Jess

Well therapy is great. Just got home and I feel so relieved. We mainly discussed my relationship with my mom and how she is trying to convince me to come back home. My therapist is awesome. She is young, professional and can immediately put my frustrations into a sentence. For example, I had issues this week with Jay and after talking to my Mom I was convinced on moving home. Chris was shocked and said what is motivating you to think you should move home? I said job security. She then replied but you would be giving up control of everything else to just have that one security. With Jay I have other options. With my mom I would have no options. There are other options than my mother. She is not my last resort. She wants me to start seeing a chiropractor (sp?), yoga, and doing something to vent my emotions.  

The steroids are kicking my ass. I am starving...again. I am irritable. besides that today is going great! I am going to walk tonight some on the treadmill and then do some laundry. Peace!